Culture Critique: Being Alive.

If you are ever trying to spice up your life, please, please do not do so by watching A Marriage Story at 8:00AM; you’ll spend the rest of your day contemplating the meaning of life, relationships and wondering if there is any hope for humanity (okay that might be a BIT dramatic, but it’s definitely not a happy-go-lucky movie.) Though I would love to critique this whole movie as it may be one of my favorites of all time, I will refrain from that as it would probably be 20+ pages. Instead I will focus on one of the most poignant scenes––Charlie’s renditions of “Being Alive”.

Before I get into this critique, there is some context you must know about this film as well as the scene. Firstly, this movie revolves around the two gray characters, Nicole and Charlie, and their crumbling marriage. These two are highly independent artists who both have deep capacity to love and hurt each other and throughout the complex process of divorce they demonstrate this. Second, the movie is a commentary on the inevitable unknowingness that comes with being in a relationship. As husband and wife begin the process of removing these titles, both Charlie and Nicole come to see that they never truly knew each other. The movie suggests that as much as you may long to get to know someone, you never truly will. You cannot know anyone other than yourself fully, though in a marriage you are obligated to try. Inevitably, however, you will inevitably fail over and over again. But, it is the act of trying that is life-blood to relationship. The Barber’s divorce is occurring because the two (primarily Charlie) stopped trying. In marriage, the movie suggests, you will never truly know your partner, but the pursuit of unlocking their essence is what strengthens the relationship and makes the other feel loved (the vulnerability must go both ways). Finally, the song Charlie performs is from the acclaimed musical Company written by the prodigy Stephen Sondhiem. This number is what those in theater call an 11 o’clock number. It is a song sung by the protagonist that summarizes the major conflict of the musical and evokes a major realization (think “Memory” from Cats, “Sit Down You're Rockin’ the Boat” from Guys and Dolls, or “No Good Deed” from Wicked). In Company, this song helps the lonely bachelor Bobbie realize that he does want to enter into an intimate relationship, be known, and no longer be alone. (a MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR shift) He realizes that being “alone is alone, not alive”; we are made for relationship.

As the movie is coming to a close Charlie Baker, now divorced, finds himself in a bar with his company, his cast. His play has made it to the Great White Way, he got the McArthur grant, and has succeeded, but he lost his wife and child in the process. Without reserve or hesitation, he makes his way to the open mic. A performer performs and that is exactly what he begins to do. Speak singing “blow out the candles, Robert. Want something, want something.” (In the original context of the musical the character saying this is implying he would come to desire love and commitment.) What he doesn’t realize is that this performance will serve as a means to finally acknowledge his own flaws and admit that he too played a role in his divorce. It is a moment of sheer humility.

“Somebody hold me too close/Somebody hurt me too deep/Somebody sit in my chair/And ruin my sleep/And make me aware/Of being alive, being alive.” As he sings these powerful lines he recounts his own relationship with Nicole. She has held him too close and is currently hurting him too deeply through the process of divorce, but simultaneously he has done the same thing. His wife was an actress who longed for a life in LA, but because she was married to Charlie, a NYC director, she never saw the sunny state. She repeatedly confided in Charlie to help her make this dream a reality if only for a season of life (asking him to accept a directorship position for an LA-based company), but he refused. He held her too close and stifled her dreams. And Charlie, like Nicole, has hurt his partner by publicly proclaiming her weaknesses in the court and verbally abusing her throughout the process (this reaches its climax with the infamous line Charlie utters and then instantly regrets: “Everyday, I wake up and I wish you were dead.”)

Often overlooked in the process of divorce, their child is immensely hurt by his father who in the wreckage of marriage also makes a wreck of his son. In NYC he used to sit in his father’s chair, he would play with his father, and he loved his father, but post-divorce he no longer does any of the following. He would often have nightmares seeking solace and security in the form of asking his father to ruin his own sleep by staying in his room, but he’s in LA now and his dad is far from him; love and relationship grows harder with the distance. He can’t sit in his father’s chair anymore because he can’t be with his father in NYC. He can’t ruin his father’s sleep anymore because his father is sleeping miles away in NYC.

However both of these characters made Charlie distinctly aware of what it means to be alive. Loving one another and sacrificing your own comfort for others is the life-blood of existence. As his soliloquy continues, he comes to terms with that reality and recognizes his own part in destroying his relationships.

“Somebody need me too much/Somebody know me too well/Somebody pull me up short/And put me through hell/And give me support/For being alive/Make me alive/Make me alive/Make me confused/Mock me with praise/Let me be used/Vary my days.” These lyrics are sung in an increasingly introspective manner. They resonate with anyone who has been in a relationship of any kind, but especially those who have just left one. The absence of a relationship leaves a wanting, a longing to be known. Charlie, like Bobbie, acknowledges that relationships are a give in take, a putting through hell and then a giving of support. They leave scars but they are what make human beings alive. Life without others would just be loneliness, it would be the existence of an extinct species, it would be meaningless, utterly meaningless. By the end of this stanza, Charlie has realized this. His face, completely deadpan, displays that he is grappling with the consequences of his narcissism; he has placed himself alone on an island and abandoned the ones who loved him.

“But alone is alone, not alive.” It is this lyric that marks the switch in the scene. These words provoke an indignation in him against himself. “Is Charlie Baker alive anymore?” he seems to be asking himself out loud. The song is calling him out and forcing him to recognize that his own selfishness and pursuit of accomplishment served as the wrecking ball in his marriage. Yes, Nicole’s lack of communication and lack of trust played a part, but ultimately his focus on himself and intentionality was what caused her standoff-ishness. He stopped pursuing her, he stopped trying to get to know her, he stopped loving her well. He is now all alone and wondering what is the purpose of life now? Where should he go from here?

“Somebody crowd me with love/Somebody force me to care/Somebody make me come through/I'll always be there/As frightened as you/To help us survive/Being alive, being alive/Being alive!” The movie seems to be implying that Charlie’s only hope is to acknowledge his narcissism and begin again. The end of the movie makes it clear that this beginning again will not be with Nicole, but instead with Henry. He may have wrecked his opportunity to be a good husband to Nicole, but he can be a good father to Henry. He can crowd him with love. He must sacrifice his own interests and dreams to love his son well (by the end of the movie he moves to LA for him). Henry’s existence has forced Charlie to care and makes him come through as a father, because his son is all Charlie has left. His son has not completely cut himself off from his father, but if Charlie doesn’t change his ways he might. In singing this final stanza, he comes to grips with that. He MUST step up, he must show his son he will go the distance for him. If not, his narcissistic tendencies will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and he will never grow. Every relationship Charlie has will come to an end if he does not sacrifice a few of his dreams. Realizing the gravity of what he has just sung/said, Charlie takes a sigh. The song has both accused him of destroying a relationship, while simultaneously charging him to mend one.

The movie A Marriage Story takes a bleak but honest outlook on the realities of being in a relationship with broken humans. Charlie, in his pride, did not fulfill his wife’s needs and in fact in many ways did not even acknowledge she had them. He looked inside himself and refused to ever look out; in doing so he succumbed to the worship of self.

We all worship something; it is an innate part of us. Whether we worship a higher being, a political party, control, confort, or country, to be human is to worship. Therefore, it is possible to worship oneself, in fact many of us fall victim to the worship of self. When we put our own dreams and aspirations before God’s plan and relationship with others, we are essentially saying “I’m better than all of you, actually, I am better than you, God.” In his book Unlimited Grace, Bryan Chapell puts it exceptionally well: “we sin not because we do not love Christ at all but because we don’t love him above all.” We may think we love Jesus above all, but our sin-nature states elsewise; because of this “no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:9). Everytime we sin and, therefore, worship the shrine of self, we reveal our own need for Him.

Self-worship leads to overwhelming and blinding pride, which can only be remedied by the acknowledgement of one’s own depravity. That realization is fueled by the Spirit as only the Spirit can reveal just how vast our transgressions and sins are, just how great the cost Christ had to bear. Pride is dangerous because this heart posture assumes that we have something to boast about, we have something to bring to the table, that our works are not dead.

The implications of pride are exhausting. When you foolishly assume that you can do anything of note, you put yourself in the position of God. The truth is, without Jesus we are meaningless, utterly meaningless. Charlie assumed that his own happiness was of more importance than that of his own family and because of it he found at the end his whole life was utterly meaningless. This is the truth even more so when we assume our own happiness is of more importance than God’s will and plan. The trinity is in perfect happiness with each other as they constantly are in a state of self-sacrifice/worship to the other (more on that in Timothy Keller’s The Reason For God) and because God in His goodness and kindness desires for us to enter into that perfect happiness he demands our worship. As we worship Him we try to grow closer and closer to Him. In our study of the word, we intentionally seek to understand who He is just a little bit more each day and his merciful Spirit allows us to grow in wisdom. Though we will never truly know the vastness of His nature, He knows our sinful nature and instead of condemning us to die, He sent his son in our stead. God was self-sacrificing and sent his son (descended) to display his love and glory (ascended) (theme from C.S. Lewis’ Miracles). As Christians we should pray that we might see our need for God daily so by the assistance of the Spirit we may understand the Father a little bit more daily, thus growing in relationship. Because ultimately that’s what being alive is all about––entering into relationship with our Father.